Removing Shame
One of my most extraordinary callings is to remove shame from Substance Use Disorder.
Some people may get Substance Use Disorder by Misusing Substances.
In addition, co-existing Mental Illnesses may be a contributing factor or exacerbate the situation as well.
Some may even use prescribed medications that tend to be addictive and have difficulty getting off those medications later.
At first, removing shame made no sense to me.
How would people benefit from not feeling shame about their Substance Misuse? Wouldn’t this cause them to use even more drugs? Kind of like a free ticket to drug misuse?
I was very concerned about doing this until I saw it in action.
I tried this with my loved one and added unconditional love and acceptance.
Acceptance, by the way, does not mean agreement with what the individual is doing.
Instead, it is to accept, love, understand, and meet that person where they are at in their lives until they Are ready to change. It was very much a step-by-step process in my experience.
When I removed shame from the equation, multiple things happened.
Finally, we started having honest discussions where I did not have a plan in my mind for a specific outcome. I always expressed my desires for my loved one clearly but said, “ It is up to you to set your own goals, and I can support and assist you however I can in achieving those goals that mostly bring me joy as well.” Finally, my loved one started to open up to me and tell me the truth.
I saw shaming in action. Let me share a story with you, if I may.
One night, when I took my loved one to someone’s house that was very near and dear to his heart, I saw this person shaming him out loud.
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” he said. “When will you finally change? What is wrong with you? She is trying so hard to help you, and you just don’t change.”
Knowing this person’s kind and caring nature, I am sure he felt frustrated and thought shaming was helpful and would cause change. But, unfortunately, it hurt my loved one so much. I could see the inner feelings he had just stirring up. I could ultimately see how that may lead to misusing drugs to hide his pain.
I thought he would hit something based on how intense that ridicule was and the generalized misconceptions I had heard about people who misuse certain drugs. But, instead, my loved one got upset and left the room to go to the garage.
Shaming him shut this conversation down completely.
Shaming never brought truth to light.
The shame caused him to isolate himself to stay in the dark and have no way out of the misery he was stuck in.
That night, I raised my hand and said, “STOP, there is no shame in having a disease. He is trying his best to change, and it is tough. So please stop shaming him and start loving and supporting him in positive ways until he is ready to change into the next step. Tell him good things about himself—positive achievements in his life. Every little thing counts. Bless him with wellness and with being able to move in the direction of wellness, life & health.”
At the time I spoke this, I was still confused as to how this would be helpful. However, I found out so much in the coming weeks and months.
Did this cause my loved one to change and stop using drugs immediately? Absolutely not.
One thing I have realized is people change very slowly. Sometimes, miraculous recoveries occur and bring us great hope and are incredible stories that I love to hear, and I am so happy for those people.
Other times, however, more time and disease management is necessary, in addition, to a person's slow walk to wholeness. Change takes time, effort, and commitment. Is it worth it? Absolutely, because it saves a person's life and brings happiness and joy to the entire family. Every life is meaningful. Every person is unique and important.
What removing the shame did do, however, was remarkable. For the first time, my loved one started to open up and tell me the whole truth. I know it was the truth because even if we were at a restaurant and my loved one had to go use drugs, he would just say, “I am so happy that I do not need to hide anymore and can be honest with you. I am going to the bathroom to smoke a little and will be right back.” This level of honesty was critical as it would open up loving and fun discussions each time he would tell me he used drugs and how he used them. It allowed me to show him the direct side effects his use was causing for him. It allowed me to give him alternative ways and show him ways to reduce harm until he was ready to move to the next step. Heroin users may need to use Heroin around every four to six hours to not get sick. Many lie to their loved ones to hide what they are doing. My loved one told me how much he hated himself afterward because he was lying to everyone so he could hide. Lying and pretending than hating himself afterward was a painful cycle that would never stop.
He listened to me for the first time because the conversation was not a lecture and did not involve control.
For instance, he was not taking his meds for bipolar disorder, but he decided to take them. He was injecting as well at the time and was honest about it to me. He would end up with abscess in his legs, go to the hospital, leave Against Medical Advice, and go on a round of antibiotics. He hates going to the hospital. He has been in and out of hospitals since he was three years old. Through the open & no shame discussions, I was able to show him an article on how street drugs are not sterile and can cause an infection once injected. He was under the impression that once he was heating it to boiling, it would become fully sterile. I explained to him that it takes a lot of work to make an injection sterile. If that were the case, compounding pharmacists would not pay so much money to get a sterile room and do routine testing of batches to ensure no bacteria or other living microorganisms exist in the product. I told him that at least if he is going to do the drugs, smoke them instead because it will not cause him to get these infections from non-sterile products and go to the hospital, which he hates.
Smoking drugs is still dangerous and can harm you and impact you negatively, and can cause an overdose. This statement applies here because it was an opportune time to mention it.
He agreed to stop injecting. Did this occur right away? No
It took time, and slowly the injecting decreased more and more until it completely stopped.
All of these discussions allowed him to move to the next step in addition to prayer and many blessings.
Removing Shame is essential in being able to treat someone medically.
I hope you will realize this whether you are a parent, a friend, a sibling, a healthcare provider, or anyone else.
With Love & Grace,
*Please be advised that this article is not to be taken as Medical Advice. It's for informational purposes only. Each person needs to consult their own physician or healthcare provider for medical advice and/or Treatment.